¡viva la graham!

it’s no secret among my friends that i think dakota fanning is annoying. yeah, she’s cute in her own way, but as i watched war of the worlds this past summer i couldn’t help but pray that her character would get hit by one of those alien lasers (even though i knew deep down they’d never kill her off).

anyway, my friend karen recently sent me this outrageously funny photoshopped pic (that’s my head on the body of dakota’s date). the best bit, i think, is that i would probably wear something like that - especially the shoes! on top of that, the body language totally conveys how i would feel with her wiry little arm around me.

file this under “what the fuck?”

yes, the o.c. old-timer has decided to follow in the footsteps of several other delusional actors. he released his debut album, 7 days in memphis, earlier this week. it remains to be seen whether or not he will succeed like predecessors don johnson and eddie murphy.

i really have no desire to actually go listen to it, not even in the name of responsible journalism! but apparently he must have at least a shred of talent, or else he would be crooning covers with bai ling and carmine gotti on vh1 ’s but can they sing.

related : ling sings… sort of

if you like to read something other than celebrity gossip, you know, something to keep one balanced, i just finished something you might enjoy. it’s actually proper literature, so if this doesn’t frighten you, keep reading.

alan hollinghurst’s the line of beauty tells a tale of superficiality, greed and debauchery through the eyes of nick guest, a young gay londoner coming of age in the “me” decade. while the novel, which won england’s 2004 man booker prize, isn’t flawless (i wasn’t terribly fond of the ending), it was refreshingly well written.

the washington post gave it a very positive review. michael dirda wrote, “what makes the book so fine, though, is its writing — suffused with enough wit to keep the diction original and lively without overpowering the reader with campiness or excess.”

maybe it’s due in part to my anglophilic inclinations, but i found it thoroughly enjoyable, even despite the book’s permeating sense of melancholy. i dare say i found it quite, well, beautiful.

i just saw the new lindsay lohan video for “confessions of a broken heart” on mtv (they actually play videos if you’re up at 7 a.m.!), and i don’t really know where to start. as far as the song goes, the lyrics could be better, but it’s catchy enough. i doubt it will be a hit outside the trl set, though.

what i really want to know is why la lohan chose to write about her father’s abusive tendencies. i mean, she keeps singing about her personal life and then she wonders why the papparazi keep stalking her. hmmm… maybe it’s because they see you exploiting your own private life, and they think they might as well get it on the action. ever think of that, muffin?

head over to lindsay’s official site if you want to see the clip for yourself. have a box of tissues handy, it’s a real tear-jerker!

if janice dickinson thinks you’ve got the look, this could be your chance.

it seems her outlandish antics on the surreal life paid off, as the “world’s first supermodel” is currently - surprise!- looking for undiscovered talent for her new reality show.

as you’ve probably figured by now, anyone who joins the cast of vh1’s most notorious freak show is really just after their own gig (i’m talking ’bout you, adrianne curry and brigitte nielsen!). if you saw any of last season, you know janice did anything and everything to draw attention to herself (including plenty of cooch flashing and mental breakdowns).

if you’re prepared to make a fool of yourself on national television (with a very slim chance of superstardom), head over to janice’s myspace page for details. omarosa wannabes need not apply.

it seems that someone is willing to take a chance on kate moss, the supermodel with a fondness for nose candy and bad boyfriends. after she was captured on video snorting multiple lines of cocaine last month, she was promptly dropped from many of the high profile ad campaigns in which she was featured. fresh out of rehab, however, moss has just completed posing for designer roberto cavalli in ibiza.

i say good for her. while it is hard for me to feel sorry for a supermodel, i do feel she was dealt with rather harshly. yes, she is a mother and she should know better… but we all make mistakes. i’m glad that someone was willing to take a chance on her, and hopefully this will be the stepping stone she needs to make a full recovery.

and what should she do next? drop her dumbass boyfriend, naturally.

kylie minogue might have madonna to thank (at least in part) for her global success in 2001. after madonna wore a kylie t-shirt on the european mtv vma’s, minogue saw her latest single, “can’t get you out of my head,” become her biggest hit in the states - surpassing even “the locomotion.”

madonna’s brand new video, “hung up,” is obviously in demand. in every other country on the planet, it’s the same for kylie…. and as madonna knows, hardly anyone in america has ever seen kylie’s immensely popular video for “spinning around,” (because that song, released in 2000, came before kylie’s u.s. comeback). as a result, madonna is free to rape and pillage as she sees fit. at the climax of the “hung up” video, madge convinces the crowd to participate in a synchronized disco-inspired romp. the results are so very…. kylie.

download the video for “spinning around” here (via Limbo). watch a stream of maddy’s “hung up” video here (via vh1). you’ll see what i mean.

i’ll admit it. when it comes to ‘celebreality’ programming, i am a slave. save the dreadful breaking bonaduce, i am happily spoon-fed by vh1 - to the point where i forget that it was once a music channel, not some substandard version of E!

their latest treat, but can they sing?, preys upon those of us who love william hung, mary roach, and all the other unintentionally hideous singers from american idol - only this time, they’re b-list celebs!

for the most part, i’m not impressed. i find it hard to feel bad for anyone who has so much more money than i do (especially antonio sabato jr, who is forced to take off his shirt to get a reaction from the crowd). but then bai ling takes the stage… and believe it or not, her weak command of the english language and her desperate need to be different somehow translates into something endearing. in the first episode, she butchers madonna’s “material girl”; in the second, she slaughters blondie’s “call me.”

i’ve never really been a fan of hers; in fact, i am usually appaled by her red carpet fashion choices. but here, and i can’t explain why, i loved every excruciating minute of her performance.

help me out and vote for her. i want to see what she “sings” next week…

this comes straight from page six (via socialite’s life, which is where i saw this fantastic photo), so i’m not sure how true it is. even if it’s complete rubbish, it’s still absolutely hysterical.

we all know mariah carey crashed and burned with glitter, and while it may be true that she has triumphantly returned to the top of the pops, the bitch is still crazy. that’s why i love her!

apparently, mariah recently decided it was time to give something back. maybe she felt guilty for robbing her fans by reissuing her latest album (the emancipation of mimi)… or maybe she’s just trying to shed that pesky “diva” label (why won’t those rumors just go away?). whatever the reason, she decided to donate a handful of fur coats… to the homeless! she’s such a humanitarian, don’t you agree!?

i wonder just what the recipients will do with their glamorous new gift. will they pawn it for cash or will they use it to cover up and strut down fifth avenue belting out “we belong together”? mariah is surely hoping for the latter.

here’s something i never thought i’d read in the 21st century: pirates attack cruise ship. huh? am i the only one that did a double-take upon seeing that headline? apparently they were in search of “loot!” hahaha!

i wasn’t aware that there were any pirates left. i thought they sort of gave up and became terrorists once air travel really caught on. but i suppose lately we do seem to be stepping back in time (and not in a happy-go-lucky kylie sort of way). a key example? while it might seem ridiculously unfathomable, madonna looks set to revive disco and leotards.

more importantly, our backwoods president is doing his best to appoint supreme court justices that will likely undo everything positive that has been done for our country in the past few decades (and they might just try to reverse evolution, while they’re at it).

hmmm… if only we could get the pirates to go after the real bad guys…. dubya definitely has some loot! and i wouldn’t object to him walking the plank. would you?