¡viva la graham!

according to fantasia barrino, a man in this attire could very well be what they call a “hood boy.” she loves these men so much she decided to sing a song about them.

my first reaction was laughter- like when she did that unintentionally hysterical shout out to single mothers, “baby mama.” surprisingly, this time she did quite well (listen to it on her myspace page). “hood boy” masterfully mixes the american idol’s retro-soul vocal stylings with an upbeat urban rhythm. it’s so good, in fact, that i’ve almost forgotten about the infamous vomit scene from her embarrassing lifetime biopic, life is not a fairytale. almost.

it was a pretty good year for music. and although i didn’t anticipate making a short list of my favorite singles, i decided to go for it when a co-worker gave me a cd full of her top tracks.

so here, in no particular order, are my top 40 of 2006. check it out!

1. the pipettes “pull shapes”
2. christina aguilera “ain’t no other man”
3. scissor sisters “i don’t feel like dancing”
4. nelly furtado “maneater”
5. dangerous muse “the rejection”
6. the modern “industry”
7. lily allen “smile”
8. robbie williams “lovelight”
9. sugababes “red dress”
10. beyonce “irreplaceable”
11. justin timberlake “my love”
12. pink “u + ur hand”
13. the kooks “naive”
14. franz ferdinand “l wells”
15. the sounds “song with a mission”
16. the strokes “heart in a cage”
17. yeah yeah yeahs “cheated hearts”
18. the feeling “sewn”
19. muse “starlight”
20. peaches “boys wanna be her”

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this sketch, which opened last weekend’s christmas episode of saturday night live, is proof that the women on the show are much funnier that the guys.

check out “santa’s my boyfriend,” a holiday-inspired, ’60s girl group parody featuring maya rudolph, amy poehler and kristen wiig. i loved every minute of this!!

december isn’t quite over yet, which means that we must continue to endure, for another few days at least, horrible christmas music performed by questionable pop stars. we know the usual suspects - i’m sure pretty much everyone hates “grandma got run over by a reindeer” - but there appear to be several other treacherous tunes that have been overlooked.

here are a few i consider the most unabashedly atrocious. as there are far too many to choose from, these were picked at random…

wilson phillips “hey santa” - this 1993 original is certainly one of the most laughable holiday tracks ever - and the so-lame-it’s-hysterical music video only enhances this fact.

ali lohan “christmas magic” - wtf?? you know her mother, dina, shoved her into this pile of shit! even amy grant would have avoided this back in 1991.

macy gray “this christmas (hang all the mistletoe)” - my granny loves all christmas music, good or bad, but i doubt she would enjoy this yuletide nightmare. also, who decided macy gray’s voice would inspire holiday cheer?

crazy frog “last christmas” - this was wretched enough when wham recorded it 20 years ago, so it’s no surprise that putting a techno spin on things didn’t improve matters. don’t even get me started on the video…

this year, as my family began decorating our christmas tree, i noticed something was missing. we were enjoying ourselves - drinking wine and laughing at homemade ornaments from years gone by. suddenly, i realized what it was.

“dad, put on the carpenters!” i exclaimed… and as the lush harmonies of “it came upon a midnight clear” filled the room, memories came flooding back. immediately, our already-festive mood became somehow magical, and it continued through all the favorites, from “have yourself a merry little christmas” to “i’ll be home for christmas.”

“it really isn’t christmas until we put this record on,” my dad said. and he was right.

it’s that time again! i have had numerous requests for new ‘on notice’ and ‘dead to me’ lists. so here you are… i call it like i see it!

ON NOTICE

rachel ray - tolerable in small doses, perhaps, but i cannot cope with the massive exposure she’s receiving lately. as is the case with several of society’s ills, oprah is to blame.

borat’s mustache - sacha baron cohen’s kazakhstani reporter is annoying enough, but that caterpillar on his upper lip is unbearable. i know it’s intentional, but it still creeps me out.

beyonce - after upstaging kelly rowland for 20 years, jay-z’s main squeeze is upset that jennifer hudson is getting all the attention for their upcoming flick, dreamgirls. it’s called karma, bitch! stop whining, it’s about time it caught up with you.

real world: denver cast - come to think of it, are these kids ever endearing? only a few episodes in, and i already despise alex, who claims to be a “player” but is really just an asshole. also, this season’s token queer, davis, couldn’t be any more embarrassing (though he isn’t quite as horrible as key west’s tyler).

bono - it’s great that he’s using his celebrity to save the world, but does he really have to throw a press conference every time he does it? oh, and it might also be nice if his band stopped releasing the same album over and over again (and collecting every possible award along the way).

DEAD TO ME

criss “mindfreak” angel - i’m not sure why he bothers me so, but i think it has something to do with his show’s hideous theme song… which he sings himself. oh yeah, and then there’s the issue of that fabio-goth haircut.

britney’s naughty bits - everyone’s favorite down-but-not-out divorcee might have trouble finding husband no. 3 (or even mr. right now) after multiple pics of her baby machine showed up all over the internet. the horror! the horror!

jamie foxx - we all know he was brilliant in ray, so why does he keep beating us over the head with it? as for his subsequent hip-hop career, his cameo on kanye west’s “gold digger” was a novelty. and it should have ended there.

brangelina - it’s hard to recall actually liking these two beautiful people - even as two separate entities. i used to consider them both talented actors, but now all is see is angelina the homewrecker and brad the lapdog. the press may be partly to blame, but at the same time, they made their bed…

imagine a world in which this headline is splashed across the front page: “kevin federline, wife divorce”… it’s not only impossible to imagine, it’s also the funniest thing the onion has come up with all year.

the article jokes that k-fed is a huge celeb and his gold digging wife isn’t even worth mentioning by name. britney doesn’t even get half her face in the picture (at right) they include of the “superstar rapper.”

the whole thing is gloriously absurd, but the second paragraph of the story is probably the best:

“according to federline’s publicist, marilyn chang, the spouse, a 24-year-old entertainer who worked as a singer and foreground dancer at federline performances before wedding him in 2004, presented federline with divorce papers on nov. 7 citing irreconcilable differences.”

click here for the rest!

“irreplaceable” was cranked up on the stereo yesterday as i waited in line at the local convenience store. a very slow cashier was warbling along with beyonce as she checked people out.

“to the left, to the left,” she sang off-key, pausing as beyonce took the lead… though not long enough to say much to her customers beyond how much they owed for their diet soda and unleaded gasoline.

despite her questionable skills, the cashier inspired another woman in line to quietly sing along. as you might expect, i was unable to resist the urge to hum the tune as well.

*here’s a new semi-regular column here at ¡viva la graham!, where we’ll relay our everyday experiences with pop culture in the real world. keep reading!

usually, we prefer our adult film stars to be seen and not heard. if one does decide to branch out, the results are often deliciously disastrous! (remember traci lords’ album or her stint on melrose place? and what about mary carey’s bid for california governor?)

gay porn stud and b-rude model johnny hazzard is the latest to join those illustrious ranks as he attempts to add “singer” to his growing hyphenate. surprisingly, his debut single, “deeper into you,” isn’t horrible. with it’s pulsing 80s synths, sexually explicit lyrics and johnny’s breathy delivery, it comes off like a soundrack to one of his dirty movies. and that’s definitely the point. hell, the track even includes a messy climax, at which point johnny purrs in his best bedroom voice, “you have no idea what you do to me, or what i’ll do to you.”

this one’s already a hit at gay clubs, but i doubt the song will find an audience beyond that. if queer disco trash is your thing, you can find the track on itunes. you can also watch the low-budget (and extremely boring) music video over at gay porn blog.

while you’re here, you might as well check out the gratuitous skin shots after the jump (NSFW!). you know you want to.
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…who is really annoyned by the misspelled title of that new will smith movie? for some reason, i just can’t get past it. it’s happiness, not happyness, dumb asses!

i assume it has something to do with the plot - that’s the only explanation. grrr!! i suppose i am a little too worked up over it, but still, it gets under my skin. don’t worry, i’m not that pompous asshole who corrects everyone’s grammar… at least not all the time.

anyway, will’s kid is cute. so at least i have something positive to say about it. ok, this is boring, moving on…