¡viva la graham!

at first glance, there’s nothing too unusual about this paparazzi shot of madonna and hubby guy ritchie. a closer look at what’s in the bag and things get a bit more interesting.

madonna appears to be carrying around the purple penetrator, a six inch strap-on dildo. from the look on her face, madge is pleased with her purchase; mr. ritchie, on the other hand, looks a little more unsure. either he’s into much kinkier shit that i ever could have imagined, or he lost a bet or something. i hope she’s got some lube in that big black purse!

for a limited time, you can legally download a free mp3 of the new madonna track “hey you” at msn’s live earth site. pharrell williams co-produced the mellow, “little drummer boy”-style song with madonna, and apparently madge is going to perform it at london’s live earth concert this summer.

unfortunately, the song is just okay. and that’s being nice, really. it moves at a snail’s pace and the lyrics are mediocre. it definitely doesn’t compare to any of madonna’s big singles. at the very least, i admire her for giving some of the proceeds to charity, but i still wish she had come up with something better. oh well, it must be difficult to be inspirational and edgy.

ever the smart business woman, madonna has enlisted justin timberlake and timbaland to help out on the follow-up to confessions on a dance floor. that record sold millions around the world, but its singles failed to break through at radio — mainly in the united states (”hung up” was the only one to crack the u.s. top 40, peaking at no. 7).

justin timberlake has had a string of no. 1s, thanks in part to collaborating with timbaland, so madonna is likely looking to reclaim her former chart glory with both hitmakers at the helm of at least a few tracks. unless she comes up with another dreadful “american life”-style rap, i don’t think anything could stand in the way of success. well played, madge!

it’s not really her in the video, mind you, but it is set to her latest single, “jump.” i highly advise that you check this out. while it is very well done for a fan-made clip, it raises several questions:

1. who the hell is hilye, this strange creature trying to pass herself off as madonna?
2. is this hilye a woman or a man in drag? i thought i saw an adam’s apple, but i couldn’t tell for sure.
3. why didn’t hilye bother to actually learn the song before shooting this elaborate video? madonna, a notorious perfectionist, would not be amused.
4. is hilye available for entertainment purposes at parties and weddings? she’d be such a hit, i just know it!

apparently someone has metaphorically pissed on jake shears, as the scissor sisters’ singer recently claimed he could never work with madonna for fear of upsetting kylie minogue. smart move, i say, but many of you already know where my loyalties lie.

surely he’s upset the legions of manic madonnaphiles. “she’d never work with you anyway,” they’ll shriek. while they are probably right, i don’t think it really matters. jake’s style is much more suited to kylie’s tastes, anyway. here’s hoping her next album is packed with tunes in the vein of their previous hit collaboration, “i believe in you.”

madonna is undoubtedly celebrating tonight. her new single, “hung up,” went straight in at number one in britain today. in the u.s., the track (the lead single from her forthcoming album confessions on a dance floor) tops the billboard club airplay chart (surprise!), but has barely cracked the top 20 on the pop chart.

with her latest u.k. success, it seems madonna may be an english rose after all. even with that silly accent!

some guy with a webcam called tim decided to film himself singing along to madonna’s “hung up.” the results fail to live up to madge’s high standards, but tim is still a charmer.

some things have to be seen to be believed. this is one of those things. and it might just be the funniest thing i have ever seen.

kylie minogue might have madonna to thank (at least in part) for her global success in 2001. after madonna wore a kylie t-shirt on the european mtv vma’s, minogue saw her latest single, “can’t get you out of my head,” become her biggest hit in the states - surpassing even “the locomotion.”

madonna’s brand new video, “hung up,” is obviously in demand. in every other country on the planet, it’s the same for kylie…. and as madonna knows, hardly anyone in america has ever seen kylie’s immensely popular video for “spinning around,” (because that song, released in 2000, came before kylie’s u.s. comeback). as a result, madonna is free to rape and pillage as she sees fit. at the climax of the “hung up” video, madge convinces the crowd to participate in a synchronized disco-inspired romp. the results are so very…. kylie.

download the video for “spinning around” here (via Limbo). watch a stream of maddy’s “hung up” video here (via vh1). you’ll see what i mean.