¡viva la graham!

In case you haven’t already seen it, here’s the video for Mariah Carey’s steamy new single “Touch My Body.” Whoever decided to forgo the anticipated slutty bedroom clip for something light and comical should be commended. Featuring 30 Rock’s Jack McBrayer as a smitten computer geek was also a stroke of genius.

In other Mimi news, she is not calling her album That Chick as I previously posted. It will be called e=mc2 instead. I’m scratching my head, too, but I’m sure Mariah has her reasons (which we’ll all hear about as the album launch approaches).

…Or am I a total sucker?

Here’s the alleged cover of Mariah Carey’s new disc, tentatively titled That Chick. The photo looks new — photoshopped like hell, but new — but I think one of Mimi’s precious ”Lambs” put this together. I’m not even going to get started on that album title.

That said, I can’t wait to hear this shit, due out in April. I love this crazy bitch. Bring it on!

mariah carey has been in nashville recently filming a movie called tennessee. obviously the city is so happy to be hosting a film production that they’ve feigned amnesia concerning mimi’s cinematic past.

when they shot a scene of mariah performing at lower broad honky-tonk second fiddle, director aaron woodley told the media that “people were weeping on the crew when she sang… it’s very moving…”

i dare say this film could rival glitter, mariah’s notorious belly flop of a biopic, when it comes to being gleefully garish. according to a nail specialist friend of mine who was contacted by the production, mariah’s character sports airbrushed nails, which is pretty much the epitome of ghetto. my friend is a bit too classy to provide this particular service, and it’s unfortunate, really. she definitely could have provided us with some priceless diva gossip…

glitter is one of my all-time favorite bad movies. we all know that mimi (that’s her in the background) has rebounded from that glorious mess, but no one seems to recall the other players that have since gone on to notable success.

terrence howard, who played a shady record producer, went on to score an oscar nod for his role in hustle & flow. the latest glitter star to make good is padma lakshmi, the d-lister who currently hosts bravo’s top chef. despite her questionable qualifications for judging food, kudos to her for overcoming the curse of mariah. i assume “has-been” da brat will never enjoy a similar fate.

aah, the morning after. things are never quite so pretty. here’s why:

* mariah carey and kanye west both won 3 awards, but poor mariah’s only screen time was her performance. her awards were given out beforehand, while kanye’s award for best rap album was announced during the broadcast. hmmm… i wonder if that was intentional??

* as i lamented last night, u2’s last album was just more of the same! but how could i forget that grammy voters thrive on the familiar? why was i surprised when they took home album and song of the year? mariah’s meager penance was when bono pretended to be the pope, proclaiming, “you sing like an angel.”

* no matter what happens, this show is always so anticlimactic. why do we get so worked up about this shit? i’ll tell you the truth - i fell asleep before the end. zzzz….

it’s grammy night, and it looks set to be an evening of drama. the catfights started days ago, when madonna allegedly demanded she open the broadcast - or she wouldn’t be showing up. this didn’t sit well with this year’s big comeback story, mariah carey, who hoped she would be first to take the stage.

as far as the actual awards go, i’m pulling for my favorites, naturally. in the bigger categories, it would be nice if gwen stefani won, however unlikely that might be. i really think mariah is going to score a least a few. also, i’d like to hear what billy joe armstrong has to say if green day wins.

i hate to say it, but i’m hoping kanye west loses big. at first he really impressed me, but now, not so much. ok, we get it, you have plenty of self-confidence and you like controversy! it’s gotten annoying fast, i think. also, i hate to say it, but i dislike john legend by association - even if he’s talented.

in the lesser categories, i am really hoping my beloved kylie’s “i believe in you” wins for best dance recording. that also means scissor sisters’ jake shears and baby daddy would win as well, since they produced the song. in the rock genre, can’t the academy give an award to weezer and franz ferdinand? pretty please!

alright, that’s all for now… enjoy the show.

UPDATE: the pre-telecast winners were announced, and some of my faves have already been shut out. that’s right- no sympathy award for kylie, plus u2, the band that has already won at least 100 grammys, beat both weezer and franz ferdinand. grrr!

the pre-show has been interesting thus far on the green carpet (yes, this year it is green). gwen stefani, who is now 6 months pregnant, looks radiant. joss stone mingled with kelly clarkson on e! - and later joss gushed about how sweet the former american idol champ is, exclaiming (and i paraphrase), ‘if you’re a singer you don’t have to be a bitch!’ and yes, she did say ‘bitch.’

it seems that kurt cobain’s only child, frances bean, isn’t following in her mother’s footsteps - at least when it comes to her record collection. in a candid new interview with i-d magazine, the 13-year old rock spawn professed her love for mariah carey (and i was convinced she’d go the avril lavigne route).

i’m sure that courtney isn’t too thrilled about this, but i don’t think kurt would be all that upset. you know that mimi’s got many of us queers in her court, and kurt did once say that he was gay in spirit. hell, he probably secretly owned the diva’s debut back in the day!

let’s just say it could be much worse. at least she didn’t start singing hilary duff’s praises! that might have been unforgivable.

(via d listed)

i guess mariah did have a reason to celebrate (she did have the number one album and single of the year, which is no small feat). after watching her new year’s performance in times square, i’m thinking she went a little overboard with the christmas cookies.

perhaps nicole should have “celebrated” a little less with the nose candy. she looks like a walking corpse.

i wonder what would happen if these two crazy bitches got together. would they balance each other out… or just kill each other?

(photos via a socialite’s life)

as the grammy award nominations were released yesterday, mariah carey received 8 nods for her latest album, the emancipation of mimi. the comeback queen is up for several major awards, including album of the year and record of the year for “we belong together.”

of course, i’m happy for that crazy bitch, as mimi is my guiltiest pleasure - but i’m a little bit worried at the same time.

let’s not start reinflating that massive diva ego again! i know everyone remembers the last time she started thinking her shit doesn’t stink. she called it glitter, we called it a joke. grammy voters, it’s up to you! give an award or two to gwen instead. i’d love to see mariah’s famous fake smile as the record of year grammy was given to “hollaback girl” (though i don’t think that song deserves it).

this comes straight from page six (via socialite’s life, which is where i saw this fantastic photo), so i’m not sure how true it is. even if it’s complete rubbish, it’s still absolutely hysterical.

we all know mariah carey crashed and burned with glitter, and while it may be true that she has triumphantly returned to the top of the pops, the bitch is still crazy. that’s why i love her!

apparently, mariah recently decided it was time to give something back. maybe she felt guilty for robbing her fans by reissuing her latest album (the emancipation of mimi)… or maybe she’s just trying to shed that pesky “diva” label (why won’t those rumors just go away?). whatever the reason, she decided to donate a handful of fur coats… to the homeless! she’s such a humanitarian, don’t you agree!?

i wonder just what the recipients will do with their glamorous new gift. will they pawn it for cash or will they use it to cover up and strut down fifth avenue belting out “we belong together”? mariah is surely hoping for the latter.