¡viva la graham!

ON NOTICE
megan fox - she’s trying way too hard. we already have one angelina jolie, thank you very much.

diet coke plus - surely “vitamin-infused soda” is an oxymoron.

that twat from flipping out - you know that annoying, anal retentive gay guy on the new bravo show? can’t stand him.

kanye west vs. 50 cent - obviously a shameless publicity stunt, and an unnecessary one at that. of course it’s working.

my super sweet 16: the movie - the show was a guilty pleasure because it was real. this scripted bullshit is hideous.

DEAD TO ME
ivanka trump - why she feels the need to be in the public eye is beyond me.iphone - i don’t like to put all my eggs in one basket. what if i dropped it in the toilet??

that douche from sunset tan - you know that annoying, anal retentive gay guy on the new e! show? can’t stand him.

heidi montag vs. lauren conrad - some of you are saying, “who?” and i wish i could say the same.

high school musical 2 - i know some fags who are excited about this shit! and while i do like some camp, i draw the line at disney.

without further adieu, here’s the latest list of pop culture’s main offenders.

ON NOTICE

chris daughtry - am i the only one who thinks this cue ball is a major douche? someone needs to tell him that his shit stinks, cos he obviously isn’t aware.

owen wilson + kate hudson - i liked kate much better as a band-aid, and if she really felt the need to upgrade, she could have done so much better.

arcade fire - they’re okay, i guess. but the more popular they get, the more i feel like holier-than-thou hipsters might take over. and this frightens me.

heavy bangs - it’s an epidemic! i’m surprised my nana hasn’t fallen prey to it, because lord knows everyone else has.

joss stone - this cutie-pie brit never really inspired my ire until recently. it’s great that she wants to proclaim her independence, but did she really need to ruin her hair in the process?

DEAD TO ME

brandon flowers - i can no longer tolerate his whiny voice, his band’s mediocre new material, or his god complex. and you already know i hate the mustache.

travis barker + shanna moakler - they split up, he fucked paris, she punched paris. i enjoyed this drama, but now they’re back together? yeah, i’m over it.

american apparel - it’s just a clothing store, i know. but for some reason, i can’t handle spending 20 times more for something just because i couldn’t find it at a thrift store.

britney’s wig - in a word, tired. she can do better than this! but we could say the same about everything she’s done in the last few years of her life.

avril lavigne - i used to really like this hot topic pop tart. as her performance last night on snl showed, now she’s totally lost the plot… but she’s too far up her own ass to ever realize it.

it’s that time again! i have had numerous requests for new ‘on notice’ and ‘dead to me’ lists. so here you are… i call it like i see it!

ON NOTICE

rachel ray - tolerable in small doses, perhaps, but i cannot cope with the massive exposure she’s receiving lately. as is the case with several of society’s ills, oprah is to blame.

borat’s mustache - sacha baron cohen’s kazakhstani reporter is annoying enough, but that caterpillar on his upper lip is unbearable. i know it’s intentional, but it still creeps me out.

beyonce - after upstaging kelly rowland for 20 years, jay-z’s main squeeze is upset that jennifer hudson is getting all the attention for their upcoming flick, dreamgirls. it’s called karma, bitch! stop whining, it’s about time it caught up with you.

real world: denver cast - come to think of it, are these kids ever endearing? only a few episodes in, and i already despise alex, who claims to be a “player” but is really just an asshole. also, this season’s token queer, davis, couldn’t be any more embarrassing (though he isn’t quite as horrible as key west’s tyler).

bono - it’s great that he’s using his celebrity to save the world, but does he really have to throw a press conference every time he does it? oh, and it might also be nice if his band stopped releasing the same album over and over again (and collecting every possible award along the way).

DEAD TO ME

criss “mindfreak” angel - i’m not sure why he bothers me so, but i think it has something to do with his show’s hideous theme song… which he sings himself. oh yeah, and then there’s the issue of that fabio-goth haircut.

britney’s naughty bits - everyone’s favorite down-but-not-out divorcee might have trouble finding husband no. 3 (or even mr. right now) after multiple pics of her baby machine showed up all over the internet. the horror! the horror!

jamie foxx - we all know he was brilliant in ray, so why does he keep beating us over the head with it? as for his subsequent hip-hop career, his cameo on kanye west’s “gold digger” was a novelty. and it should have ended there.

brangelina - it’s hard to recall actually liking these two beautiful people - even as two separate entities. i used to consider them both talented actors, but now all is see is angelina the homewrecker and brad the lapdog. the press may be partly to blame, but at the same time, they made their bed…

they’re both on the d-list. but that’s not all - they’re both dead to me!! yes, it’s that time again! here are a few things that get on my nerves:

ON NOTICE

“mcdreamy” - nothing against patrick dempsey, but this has got to be the most ridiculous nickname ever. shame on us for allowing it to become part of the vernacular.

the killers - they used to be so cute in their matching suits and eyeliner! then they decided to make an album about the great wide open or some bullshit, and now they’re boring.

endorsing proactiv - why is this in vogue?? lindsay lohan and puff daddy are payed millions of dollars to tell you they use this shit. yeah, it might actually work, but not because these idiots say so.

jared leto - if you weren’t so fine, you’d have been dead to me a long time ago. now stop with your silly band and even sillier makeup experiments! it makes you look like the biggest poseur ever.

snl - it’s not looking so hot now that tina fey jumped ship. thus far, the new season has pretty much been a snore. amy poehler, we’re counting on you to save us.

tila tequila - the latest dame to be famous for absolutely no reason. this bitch makes paris hilton look like meryl streep.

mark foley - no, you shouldn’t have had naughty online chats with 16-year-olds… but what really irks me is that you didn’t decide to come out ’til after you were caught. thanks for the great p.r., buddy.

employee of the month - dane cook is terribly overrated and jessica simpson is totally annoying. maybe together they cancel each other out. i can guarantee i’ll never watch this to find out.

DEAD TO ME

fergie - inexplicably, even beyond the horror that is “london bridge,” she keeps getting more intolerable. who else would use a former meth addiction to get publicity for their album? classy move, honey.

celeb fragrances - we really don’t want to smell like you, i promise. plus, i don’t think it’s very admirable that you prey upon stupid consumers just so you can buy your own private island or a house in the hamptons.

emo - will it ever end? if i see another guy in his sister’s jeans i’m going to scream.

ken paves - not only because of his bad hair and that ugly mug, but also because of that horribly pretentious accent mark he insists on using over the ‘e’ in his last name (i refuse!).

drawn together - this show is absolutely disgusting, so there’s no reason why i shouldn’t like it. but, for some reason, i’d rather take a cheese grater to my forehead. i can’t explain why.

dina lohan - don’t even get me started! first of all, sweetheart, you make heidi fleiss look like a model. oh, and you won the lottery when lindsay got famous! don’t forget that.

kim jong-il - you have got some serious issues, little man. if you promise not to start a nuclear war then perhaps i could move you to the other list. think about it.

hairspray movie musical - yes, i know it will be different because it’s a musical, but it will never compare to the john waters original! and john travolta is only making matters worse.

borrowing a page from the highly sarcastic steven colbert, i’ve decided to bestow upon my readers my own version of his notorious lists of annoyances: the slightly unnerving, classified as “on notice”; and the hopelessly unforgivable, most aptly referred to as “dead to me.” as you might expect, my lists will deal mostly with pop culture, with perhaps a few random displeasures thrown in for good measure…. let’s compare notes, shall we?

UPDATE: see the bottom of this post for my personalized “on notice” list courtesy of shipbrook.com (with a few added on for good measure!). give it a try!

ON NOTICE

vanessa minnillo - we do not need to see your face everywhere just because you may or may not be fucking nick lachey.

pink is the new blog - perhaps one of the most irritating, overrated gossip blogs around… but there’s no accounting for taste.

jay manuel - members of the fashion police are supposed to be bitchy, but why can’t he take it like he can dish it?

panic! at the disco - i fear we will forever be forced to endure mediocre bands with ridiculous names.

a.d.d. - such a clever excuse for being slow!

DEAD TO ME

laguna beach - though it never seemed possible, it just keeps getting worse.

fergie’s “london bridge” - it was cute when gwen did it. not so much for you.

dude from nickelback - i don’t know your name, but your voice (and face) haunt my nightmares.

karl lagerfeld - you frighten me. seriously.

i.b.s. - for some reason, i’m sure you’ll afflict me in the future. so i’m going to start hating you now.